Five Years Later…Here’s What I’ve Learned

Today is February 9th.

It’s been five years to the day since our world fell apart in ways we never expected. It’s easily been the hardest five years of my life.

When the craziness of 2020 hit, I wanted to be one of those strong voices offering hope and truth. But I quickly found out that I just wasn’t in that place, and it has now been almost two years since I’ve written a blog post. It’s felt like a long, dark night of the soul for these last several years, and I just didn’t have the capacity to offer much hope, wisdom, or insight.

While some things began to get easier, other things only seemed to get more difficult. Our marriage continued to go through fire as we were still painfully navigating our way through this complex recovery. Some days I honestly wasn’t sure if we’d make it through.

But I do believe that it wasn’t all for nothing. God continues to shape me, challenge me, and teach me so much more in those dark night of the soul moments than I ever learned on any mountain top. And he continues to mend our hearts more deeply together. One painful conversation and learning experience at a time.

So today, on this anniversary, I feel ready to share a little bit more of my heart with you.

In the past on my blog I would often talk about the mistakes Cameron made in our marriage being that it was through betrayal trauma that this ministry got started. Yes, Cameron was the betrayer and absolutely made many devastating mistakes five years ago. But I think it has been very easy to focus on those because the pain was so heavy, and as a result gloss over my reactions, my thoughts, my weaknesses, etc. And I’m guessing many wives who have been betrayed probably find themselves doing the same at times.

So today I wanted to switch it up this time and talk about me. I have spent a lot of time self-reflecting since you have heard from me last. After all of the hours I have spent in therapy, the many fights between Cameron and I, time in quiet with the Lord, and all of the self-reflection–I want to share 10 things I have learned the hard way on this journey that I pray might be helpful to you wherever you find yourself today.

So here we go.

     1. Don’t try to solve anything while triggered.

This one should be a no-brainer I know. But holy cow is it difficult in the moment! Because as many of you know, sometimes triggers come a lot and at the worst times.

It is so important to remember, however, because our traumatized selves are not our real selves.

When trauma or PTSD gets involved, it changes things. It changes our perspective and our ability to process information in an accurate or healthy way. Those parts of our brain that go into fight or flight mode activate only to protect us from danger. Therefore our brain may only be able to see the other person as the enemy or a threat! Even if they no longer are one in that moment. So it is nearly impossible to work through a difficult and painful situation with grace, love, compassion and a full understanding of what the other person is experiencing while in a triggered state.

Oftentimes the peacemaker part of me just wanted things to be okay between Cameron and I immediately. And at times that meant I would go pursue resolving things before either of us were truly ready. This often made things worse.

So here’s the takeaway I’m still working on: It’s okay to walk away for a bit. Help your brain get to a regulated and safe place where you are fully integrated and fully yourself again. Because that’s who you truly are. And that is the person you want handling important discussions and painful topics.

     2. Get curious before getting critical.

Too often I assumed I knew what was happening with Cameron before I ever bothered to ask any compassionate questions. I did ask questions at times, but those often weren’t as compassionate as they were passive-aggressive and leading.

My heart meant well. But my fear of more hurt and confusion bled out into words that were more shaming and condemning than actually curious or seeking to understand what was going on.

Assuming what is happening with your spouse often leads to judgement, shame, or fear. None of which are

ever helpful, only harmful. And a critical environment is a really difficult place for an addict to recover.

It was really difficult navigating how to create a space that was safe for him to fail and make mistakes without being labeled an “addict” again, while at the same time also creating an environment for me where I felt seen and safe to recover without drifting back into fear and self-protection if he would make a few mistakes.

It’s as though we were often both in our corners waiting for the other person to come our way to make us feel okay. We assumed a lot and our words cut each other deeply.

So whether it’s your marriage partner, friend, or a stranger–judgement and criticism never change anyone’s heart like curiosity and compassion can. We all must strive to be a space where people are free to fail without getting rejected or labeled. We must get curious and seek to understand with an open mind and open heart.

Because whatever is going on under the surface might not always be exactly what we think.

     3. It’s okay to ask for what you need from your partner while still doing it in a way that is careful with their pain.

I can easily be a peacemaker who doesn’t want to rock the boat and also so in tune with other people’s needs that I neglect my own. So I either wouldn’t ask for what I need, or it would build and all come out in a way that dumped a lot of shame and frustration onto Cameron when I got too overwhelmed.

I did not strike this balance very well and it caused a lot of hurt to both of us. Even though he had the affair, his pain matters too. While I knew this on an intellectual level, at times I didn’t always act like it. And being careful with his pain doesn’t mean I deny my own needs and safety.

Both are possible and both are necessary.

     4. True intimacy in marriage after sexual betrayal is only achieved when both parties are able to get honest about their flaws and mistakes in the marriage — even the partner who was betrayed.

To put it simply: it’s much harder to be open about my mistakes or flaws after being betrayed that deeply. It’s really hard to see anything other than the betrayal.

But the truth was, if we wanted a new marriage eventually, we had to go back to the old marriage from before the affair ever happened and put it all under a spotlight. It’s natural for the betrayer or addict to understand that they have deep work to do after this happens if they want true healing. And of course I had a lot of healing work to do too. However, I wasn’t ready for how much we would have to tackle and revisit regarding our marriage before the affair happened and after a betrayal that deep, it’s incredibly difficult to look at or see issues OTHER than the affair.

It took a painfully long time for me to lower my walls, humble myself enough, and embrace the idea that I was still bringing old behaviors and ideals to this “new” marriage. The part of me that could be controlling, emasculating, critical, shaming, or perfectionstic in my marriage….it was time to have those things looked at. And that was really hard.

This process was confusing much of the time. Trying to wade through what was his stuff, what was mine, and what was ours. It was extremely messy. So so painful. Incredibly humbling. We both hurt each other a lot trying to navigate it all and make sense of it.

But we’re slowly getting there. Mending together this new marriage where everything is on the table. Where we both honor the other’s pain and give heartfelt apologies.

And that leads me to my next point.

     5. It’s okay to make mistakes and own them. We aren’t the sum of our mistakes.

I think I’ve always struggled with thinking that mistakes must mean I failed. And failure is really hard for me.

I also hate hurting people. And so if Cameron ever told me that I hurt him somehow, I just believed that it’s because he must have misunderstood me somehow. So I’d over-explain myself trying to help him see that if he just understood what I meant, then maybe he wouldn’t be hurt. I’ve done this to others as well.

I also somehow subconsciously believed that if I fully embraced these mistakes or hurt I caused him that he would somehow forget the pain that he caused me. And it felt impossible in moments to do this because I didn’t want him to ever forget. So I would resist or over-explain. All of this caused more damage than good, because I didn’t honor is pain and that only led to further frustration and disconnect.

What I understand now is that I can hurt people and not be a failure. I can own my mistakes knowing that it doesn’t automatically make him forget his.

Mistakes are okay and they’re a normal part of life. I just need to accept them, apologize for them, and make things right however I can. There’s a lot of connection and peace to be had when we do it this way.

And segue to my next point:

     6. It’s okay to be misunderstood.

Even five years later,  I still battle the fears of what people think of me. Fear of what they think of him. We’ve been judged so harshly these last few years and more deeply misunderstood than ever before in our life.

And that is REALLY hard for me to accept. I’m still a work in progress on this issue.

But if I spent my life trying to prove myself and my choices and who I was to people all the time, I’d have no time left to actually BE myself.

I’m learning that I can’t be myself while constantly having to prove myself. Those things just don’t work together.

Yes, there’s beauty in learning to work things out in relationships and trying to understand each other and grow in connection. But sometimes, that isn’t possible. And it’s okay to let it go when it’s not.

My Father in Heaven, the little girl I tuck in every night, and the man I fall asleep next to…their approval is the only approval that truly matters moving forward.

     7. God is a full of complexity and so are we.

I remember sweet Anita during my counseling at His High Places telling me that Satan loves to make us think we only have two choices, this OR that. But God is the God of both/and.

He is full of complexity and nuance. And as humans made in his image, so are we. Growth came when I began to learn how to hold two beautifully complex tensions in my hands about Cameron or myself rather than believe that lie that it was always either “this” or “that”.

Here’s a few examples of lies I had to reframe:

Lie: believing that I either needed to be hyper-vigilant and guarded *OR* I would surely get betrayed again.

Truth: I need to do my own continuous healing within myself and in my marriage while continuing to take steps forward in vulnerability and surrender *AND* if more pain comes one day, God will give me the grace and wisdom to get through that and I’ll be okay.

Lie: either I don’t forgive because the offense feels unforgivable, *OR* I extend forgiveness which feels essentially like I’m conceding that it’s okay that it happened.

Truth: I can forgive because God forgave me and because I want freedom from this hurt/offense *AND* extending forgiveness is not saying that it was okay, rather it’s true that this pain/hurt was very significant and it deserves a lot of compassion, healing work and potentially boundaries if necessary.

Lie: We are either a good person *OR* a bad person.

Truth: We are all constantly battling our human flesh, upbringing, trauma, worldview, and pain which sometimes makes us do things we regret *AND* we all have hearts and souls yearning for hope, compassion, grace, love, and a place to belong.

There is good and bad in all of us.

There are so many ultimatums we put together in our head giving ourselves limited options and therefore limited hope. But God is so much more complex than this. We are too. And the sooner we accept that, the more freedom and peace we will discover as we hold complex things a little more loosely rather than paint them with a black and white brush.

     8. Take breaks while you’re healing to find and experience joy.

We have not been great at this! Healing is such a process. It can get long. And tiring. And I’m a fixer, controller, peace-loving, finisher.

I want it all resolved and healed and to be on the same page and happy and great and all the things. But that’s just not real life or realistic. Especially for things as complex as all this has been.

So it’s okay to take breaks. Experience some joy. Take the fun pictures. Post them even if you got in a fight right before that.

Give yourself grace, compassion, and JOY to get through this because your heart, mind, and soul desperately need it.

     9. Stay in your lane.

It’s not up to you to force change out of your spouse. We both had our own way of trying to do this to each other. But it never worked. It usually only dug the issue in deeper and caused even more pain.

Yes, we can offer suggestions to each other, discuss boundaries, and be vocal about our needs.

But when it comes to changing hearts…that’s God’s job, not mine. So I can let that go of that and pray for God to do that work in his heart.

Which takes me to my final point for today:

     10. Surrender is essential.

I like to be in control. Have I said that enough yet?? I like to fix things and make sure there’s no way these painful things could ever happen again.

But when God started to open my heart even deeper to the concept of surrender…it brought about such a deeper peace and even hope.

Aundi Kobler says it best in her incredible book “Try Softer”:

“Paradoxically, when we choose surrender for the right reasons, it empowers us. A curious mystery comes from honoring the truth that surrender with gentleness can be its own form of strength. Our ability to hold our lives with a flexible, open posture allows God’s power to manifest in us.”

He is strong when we are weak. And that is so so important to remember.

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To clarify, sharing these things doesn’t mean that I’ve “arrived” on all these things. They’re what I’ve been learning the hard way and committing to practice. If you relate and are working towards any of these things as well, I’d love to hear from you.

While part of me is so tired of talking about our story, struggles, hang-ups, and mistakes, I also believe there are some important things here that need to be shared. Things that I hope will bring some clarity and hope to you and your situation.

Sharing these things is also my way of pulling down the mask of perfection. To sort of sit with you and say, yeah I’ve been deep in my valley too. It’s not just you, it’s me too.

Let’s keep failing, stumbling, celebrating, learning, messing up, and trying again together.