Just to be clear for all the skim readers: we are *NOT* pregnant.
While we are right in the middle of National Infertility Awareness Week, I thought it might be time to give a little fertility update. Since we posted over a year ago in January about meeting with our fertility doctor to try for baby #2, we’ve had questions here and there about what we’ve been doing! So here’s a little rundown for you.
To clarify, we have actually not pursued IVF again since we had Scarlett. We did a few other smaller procedures and things a year ago that were not successful. We were going to continue, and then we decided to put our house on the market. What we thought would be just a few months of craziness turned into an 8-month-long process! So our fertility plans got put on hold.
Fast forward to last Fall, we finally moved in to our new house and wanted to spend the winter getting settled and getting through the holidays and then we would revisit it all again in the new year. We were recently finally getting to the point where we were going to try a few other things over the next several months, which also involved going back to visit our doctor, and then as you may have guessed, Covid-19 showed up.
So here we are. Back to waiting.
We have obviously had a lot going on these last three years: focusing primarily on our recovery journey from the addiction and affair, moving houses, launching a video production business into Cameron’s full-time job, starting the blog and navigating all that comes with sharing our journey on a public level.
We’ve been a little busy, no doubt about that! And so I have peace about the fact that we haven’t actually added another member to our family yet. I don’t think we were actually ready for that.
However, even in the midst of that peace, it’s still painful to wait and wonder.
Scarlett is so ready for a play-mate. She draws pictures of her “sisters” and tells us how right now they’re in heaven sleeping and then they’re gonna come here….all four of them. (yikes) We pray for them and talk about them and so in her mind they’ll be here eventually. Which is why a couple weeks ago she announced to my whole family on a zoom call that she was “getting a brother and a sister.” You can imagine everyone’s jaw dropped…..including mine.
Our family doesn’t feel complete yet. We don’t feel “done.” It increasingly feels as though someone is missing. We are still hanging on to hope that a day will come soon where we get to welcome another miracle baby to the Sprinkle family.
While we wait, I’m hanging on to one of the primary things I learned on my infertility journey both years ago and again now, and it’s this:
Our family’s journey is ours, and ours alone, and that makes it incredibly special–regardless of how, when, or if it grows.
It won’t look like anyone else’s. It’s unique to us. Even in the painful moments it’s beautiful, because it’s ours. And the more I learn to surrender to that and embrace it, the sooner I’ll be able to find peace and joy in the midst of long waiting periods and painful disappointments.
Here’s another way of saying it: I need to stay in my lane and stop watching everyone else’s cars flying by.
Looking at my friends and how easily they had babies has only left me very confused. Comparing my journey to theirs only made me angry at God. It robbed me of having a heart at peace and instead gave me an anxious and somewhat bitter heart.
Even as I am now a mother to Scarlett, these are all emotions I still have to battle and surrender.
However, I refuse to de-value and miss out on the family and the journey that God has given me the honor of serving because I can’t stop looking at someone else’s family or my own “perfect” vision of how this should go.
I’ve already spent way too many years doing that, and I regret it. What I have in front of me is way too special–even during those long years that it was only my husband and I. Our family’s journey has been painful, yes, but also so precious. I’m not going to wish away these beautiful days.
Because if the Coronavirus has taught me anything, it’s that all of our days are incredibly precious.