Selling Our Home – The End Of A Bittersweet Chapter

A few days ago, it finally happened. We finally closed on our house!

It’s been a process that has lasted since March and been really hard on us, but after finding our second buyer, things went a bit more smoothly this time around. On Wednesday evening, we finally signed all the papers and handed over the keys. It was truly bittersweet.

The idea of selling our house has actually been a topic we’ve come to every few months for the last several years. We knew it would happen eventually. But this March is when we actually took it more seriously, crunched some numbers, and reached the final verdict. Six and a half years ago, we bought this house foreclosed and in pretty rough shape. The grass was so high in the back yard it went past my waist in some spots, the basement had mold, and one of the toilets didn’t work at all. But it was an investment we could afford and were ready to take on. Since then, I’ve poured my heart and soul into transforming this house, and now here we were in a different housing market able to sell it for almost double what we paid for it.

After many rounds of IVF, and Cam going without a paycheck for nearly six months after his infidelity….we accumulated quite a bit of debt. Cameron eventually began to work full time growing his videography business that had only previously been a side job, but prior to that, we had a few rough months just barely getting by. Thankfully we got to a place where he could put everything he had into growing this business, however that also required significant investment. Needless to say, the financial burdens from these last several years have really weighed heavily on us throughout all of this.

And in the same way that God freely gave the gift of grace to wipe out all the debt Cameron’s sin had accumulated, he gave us this house to basically do the same thing financially. It blows my mind when I think about the parallels of it all. So the decision for us became pretty easy.  Selling this house would give us a fresh start….financially and emotionally. It was time.

The day before we closed, I was finally able to go back alone and do some cleaning. As I began to go from room to room, wiping up any dust that had accumulated, shining up the mirrors, and sweeping the floors….the grief hit me harder than I was prepared for. I cried so hard that afternoon, I struggled to catch my breath.

Each room told a story and it all flashed quickly before my eyes as I cleaned. And each story was similar…it was a story of pain and deep heartache that resulted in victory. I truly believe that when we experience deep pain or trauma in a certain place or with certain people, they fuse deep into us even more than other people or places. It’s almost as if they become a part of us.

All of that is what made this house so much more than a house to me. It was the haven that kept me safe when my world felt so unsafe. I remember sitting and rocking Scarlett in the chair in her beautiful nursery while Cameron and I were separated. I’ve never felt so scared and alone in my life, but in that tiny corner of my world, I felt safe. It was as if that roof and those walls protected me even when my husband could not. My darkest days were here. And my deepest moments of healing were here too.

Saying goodbye to this home felt like saying goodbye to a best friend.

As I went room to room, it’s like God graciously granted me visual memories of each of the moments that were the most precious.

In the bathroom off of our bedroom, I saw a very weepy, soul-tired version of myself in a heap on the bathroom floor after getting probably my 50th negative pregnancy test. Those gut-wrenching cries I remember having in those moments is something I’ll never forget. Then a few feet away, lined along the tub I saw all of the needles, small medicine bottles, and bandages I would be using for all four rounds of IVF. Then around the corner, I saw myself on my knees in front of the bed screaming praises as I held that small test with the word, “pregnant” in my hands. The one that I would be so excited to show to Cameron when he got home.

In our bedroom a year later, I saw a still fearful and wounded but newly determined version of myself come around the corner going straight for Cameron’s nightstand. I retrieved my wedding ring from the drawer and jammed it onto my finger as Cameron watched in disbelief. He crumpled onto the floor. We just sat there and cried for awhile. Our marriage had been dead in that room for a long time, but in that moment…the re-birth of our marriage began. New life was slowly beginning to form.

Down the hall and to the left, was our daughter’s nursery. For several years, it was the room that just held all of our junk I didn’t know what to do with. Literally. A month before I got pregnant with Scarlett, I decided to clean it out in faith. Weeks later, I found myself on the floor in that room surrounded by positive pregnancy tests ready to surprise Cameron with the news the moment he walked in the door. I still see that moment very clearly. It was surreal. Flash forward a year and Scarlett and I would be sitting in that room alone, as I would hold onto her tighter than ever before, very unsure what would happen next.

And now here I sat. In a completely empty room surrounded only by a small pile of kleenex.

Through my tears, I read through the beautiful wall of words and songs that we had written on the wall above her bed. These were words and verses and songs that we hung onto over the years and as they stared back me, they began to minister to me as if they were actually meant for this very moment.

I finally made my way down to the family room, and immediately I saw that gut-wrenching moment where my husband confessed to my biggest fear that felt like it would just take my life right then and there. I saw the horror and disbelief on my own face as I watched it play out again. I dropped to my knees in the middle of that empty room and just wept.

As I remembered that, I found myself sitting in the very spot where my miracle baby girl rolled over for the first time. And then where she would take her first steps. The very spot where Cameron and I would often get on our knees together to pray away all the dark spiritual attacks that felt relentless at times. The spot where as a family we had lots of wrestling matches with Scarlett, started warm fires while we watched movies, sang joyful songs and danced, all with such a fragile hope for our future.

The tears continued to flow out of gratefulness for the new life and redemption we had found here.

I’ll be honest, it’s incredibly hard to leave something so loved and familiar when we have no idea what’s coming next. We haven’t found our next home yet. We have no idea what that will look like. But we truly believed it was time to move on and start fresh.

On Wednesday morning, our last day in this home, once again….we danced. We sang. We worshipped. And it was beautiful.

My mind once again flashed back to those days our realtor first came to potentially list our house when I felt like it was being ripped away from me like everything else had been. And I thanked the Lord again that he had different plans. He wanted us to find victory and redemption here FIRST.

And boy did we ever.

So we call this house our victory house. Where the devil only meant for us to experience the death of a womb and the death of a marriage….God had other plans. It became a place of resurrection; he brought new life where new life felt impossible.

As I left Scarlett’s room for the last time that day, the first three lines on her wall hit me like a ton of bricks: “There will be a season for joy and weeping, in everything our God is faithful” (from Hillsong Worship) and Isaiah 41:18: “I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs, so that people may see and know that the Holy One of Israel has created it.”

This is exactly what he did with us in this home.

Our hearts and bodies were parched ground that became springs. And in the same way that we bought a run-down, foreclosed home and put new floors and fresh paint in it and gave it new life, he did the exact same thing in our family. He took us from death to victory. Cameron likes to say that we bought low and sold high, and that that’s what God did with him. That’s really the gospel at it’s core—God buys us at our lowest, and then builds us into something beautiful.

Now we are moving on in faith that whatever is next for our family, whatever he has next for this blog or our ministry, He has made it clear that he has plans to do that for many of you as well. This is the God we have. Our God is in the business of redemption, and as we said goodbye to our home this week, this has never been more clear to me.

Goodbye, Victory House. God used you to redeem each of us many times over, and we believe He will do it again.