Proof That Your Partner’s Affair Wasn’t About You

When most women first find out that their partner had an affair or that he’s been watching porn, their initial response tends to be the same:

“It must be me.”

Some of my first thoughts were: What did I do wrong? Am I not pretty enough? Not thin enough? Do I not have sex with him enough?? How could I let this happen?

Well, I’m here to tell you that it did not have anything do with me. And it did not have anything to do with you–and I’m going to prove it to you.

First let me say this….every relationship and marriage has struggles. On both sides. Are we to blame for our part in our marriage struggles and weaknesses? Absolutely. Are we to blame for our partner choosing to be unfaithful through porn or an affair as a result of those marital struggles?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

So if you think this is about you, I want to help you understand that it’s not. It’s much bigger than that. This is about your partner’s brokenness, their mental health battle, and possibly their sex addiction. This is about them medicating their pain the only way they know how. It’s about their emotional immaturity and mostly likely the trauma they didn’t get help for.

Their unhealthy battle with sex isn’t about you being more of something to keep them from betraying you.

Let’s look at some lies we’ve all believed at some point, and I’m going to reference a few women out there that you may have heard of to help me explain my point:

You may think that:

Maybe if you had the perfect abs and curves that your partner wouldn’t take his eyes elsewhere?

Khloe Kardashian got cheated on.

Maybe if you were a stronger woman of faith?

Lysa Turkheurst got cheated on.

Maybe if you were more loved and adored by your community?

Princess Diana got cheated on.

Maybe if you were more fun or funny?

Jennifer Aniston got cheated on. (So did Rachel Green I might add. And yes, being “on a break” STILL counts)

Maybe if you were more talented?

Miss Congeniality (Sandra Bullock) got cheated on.

Maybe if you were thinner?

Miss Universe (Olivia Culpo) got cheated on.

Maybe if you were just more sexual?

Kendra Wilkinson—straight from the Playboy mansion herself—got cheated on. Not by Hugh Hefner (well, maybe, who knows), but by the husband she married after her time at the Playboy mansion. And porn stars aren’t generally known for their long-lasting marital relationships.

You name it. Whatever you wish you had or think that you need to be “more of” so that your partner would stay faithful to you…there’s someone out there who’s got it, and unfortunately they’ve been betrayed too. Also, while all of these examples are of women who have been betrayed, the same is completely true when the gender roles are reversed.

Moral of the story here: it’s not you, it’s them.

It wasn’t up to you to keep them faithful, and it’s not up to you to make yourself good enough now to keep it from happening again. A broken person who struggles with mental health—which remember, is a misperception of reality, a thought pattern that consistently lies to them—will always be looking for that little bit more that might possibly be what finally makes them happy. They have holes in their contentment/fulfillment tank. That’s why it doesn’t matter how much they have or who they have, because it’s their inability to experience inner peace or contentment that keeps them wandering.

Is it possible that there may be more work for you to do to reach deeper levels of wholeness within yourself? Most likely, yes. But hear me when I say: whatever it is right now that you’re lacking is completely unrelated to why your spouse wasn’t able to stay faithful to you.

You are enough. You didn’t deserve what happened to you. And this situation says absolutely nothing about your value.