Seven years of marriage.
We had just celebrated our anniversary in August of 2016 feeling victorious. Close. And so hopeful for the future. Then in October we welcomed our first child after over three years of a tough battle with infertility; when she arrived in all of her glory, it was one of the most incredible moments of my life. We were thrilled to be parents to this perfect little girl, and I was so excited to finally have the family I’d fought so hard for.
But as our little baby grew and her first Christmas came and went, life just still felt off. Cameron seemed off. I thought it must just be because we were still adjusting to life as parents, but our daughter was a pretty easy baby and I was thoroughly enjoying my transition into motherhood. So could that really be it? He had his dream job on staff at our church and his dream baby girl, yet he seemed to be more depressed and out of sorts than ever. I didn’t understand.
Then February 9th, 2017 arrived.
It was early in the afternoon, I was at home, and I was going to be putting Scarlett down for her nap soon. I got a text from Cameron that said, “Hey, I’m coming home right now because I need to tell you something. Cathy is going to be meeting me there.” Cathy was a close friend and mentor to me. Why would she need to come also?
I remember sitting there. Stunned. Terrified. And yet it also felt like the calm before the storm. I sat there on my white couch looking out the window with my happy nearly four-month-old girl on my lap and thinking, my life is about to change. I knew it was big. I felt it. I took Scarlett up to her bed, and then I waited. The longest 15 minutes of my life.
Fast forward about 45 minutes and I would be throwing up into the toilet. Then at some point I would be on the bathroom floor screaming into Cathy’s lap. I remember the floor was really cold in the bathroom. Cathy’s hands and voice were warm and so loving. I felt like I was dying. I didn’t know how to make it through another five seconds. All I could comprehend in that moment was, “My life is over. It’s over.”
My husband had come home to confess that when our daughter was only four weeks old, he had started an affair with a woman that he worked with. A woman who had been my small group leader for nearly five months up to that point. A woman who had initiated leading me through a marriage book and who had listened to me pour out my heart about my struggling relationship with my husband only one week before. A woman who I believed was a trusted friend to our family.
I was destroyed.
My world was shattered. My soul felt like it was in a thousand pieces. I remember looking at Cameron’s hunched over sobbing body on the couch across from me and I felt like I was staring at a stranger. Who was this man I had been with for nearly nine years? And how in the world did I make this big of a mistake choosing him as my lifelong partner and the father to my child?
That day he also confessed that his pornography addiction that I had naively believed had been long gone was back in full force. It had been a full-on addiction for the last five years and I had no idea. We had protection on our devices, and I brought it up and asked him about it frequently–how could he have lied to me for so long?
I’m embarrassed to admit that I was immediately very hard on myself. I thought — I’m smarter than this. I’m a respectable woman. How did I just get played like this? Why am I such an idiot? I felt like a complete fool. I was so humiliated. I had no idea this was coming, or that he was capable of something like this. I had my gut feelings that something was wrong, yes, but I just couldn’t ever pinpoint what it was. I had actually questioned him about this specific relationship three different times before this point and he had lied about it every time. Did I think he was capable of a full-on affair?? Never. He grew up in the church just like I did. He loved Jesus just like I did. I would have bet my life on the fact that he would never do that. My LIFE.
To make matters more complicated, he was on staff at our church. My husband was a worship leader, a pastor, a people-loving, sold-out teacher of Jesus. Which in my brain at the time automatically meant: he can’t fail this big. He just can’t. Pastors don’t do this. Leaders don’t do this. They’re the ones who lead the rest of us struggling humans! They don’t lie, cheat, and steal.
So yes, I was naive. I was married to a sex addict and I had no idea.
Everything following his confession is a blur. I don’t remember much. Only that he went to stay with some close friends of ours that night and my best friend who lived two hours away was on my door step only a few hours later. That night I couldn’t even sleep in our bed. It was ruined. I tried sleeping on the couch and maybe closed my eyes for a total of thirty minutes.
The next day I somehow packed up and made it to my parents’ house.
At one point just a couple days after his confession, more devastating information about the affair trickled out in a phone call with Cameron, and I remember hanging up the phone and through eyes blinded by my tears I staggered back downstairs to find my dad standing in the kitchen and all I could do in that moment was scream at him and pound my fists into his chest. The devastation, anger, and confusion had completely taken over my body and I apparently just began to take it out on the only person in front of me who seemed able to handle it.
The anger was so all-encompassing I felt drunk. I finally crumpled into his arms and he helped me into a chair. My body went into shock and I felt unable to move for several hours. My parents were a huge help taking care of Scarlett many of those days, only bringing her to me to nurse when needed. They would keep encouraging me to eat even though I struggled to keep food down for weeks. I don’t know how I would have survived all of this without them.
Then, the nightmare just continued. The day he confessed everything was a Thursday, and on Sunday it was announced at both campuses of our church that Cameron and this woman would be leaving as a result of an inappropriate relationship. And as I laid in that chair in my parents living room in complete shock and trauma of what had just happened….my phone started blowing up. Word was spreading fast. It usually does with this kind of thing. Nearly a thousand people knew about it as soon as it was announced, and within hours, friends from other cities who I hadn’t talked to in years were texting me to check in. I immediately deactivated all my social media and could hardly fathom the magnitude of what was happening.
Plans were soon being made to sell our car which had been a gift from this woman and her family a couple years prior. Our home now carried so much baggage and trauma to me that we had our realtor come get it ready to put on the market. We had long discussions about where I would live and which intensive therapy program Cameron would go to for help. I was notified when his last paycheck (this was our only source of income) would arrive, and after that, we had no idea what would happen. I knew I wouldn’t be stepping foot back in that church that had been a second home to me ever again, and so in just a matter of minutes—everything was gone. My marriage, my home, my church family, precious relationships, our family car, our entire income….all of it, just gone. It was just me, my daughter, and my dog.
So much loss. So quickly. And so publicly. The pain was unbearable.
I hate to admit it, but I found myself wishing he had just died in a car accident instead of choosing to betray me. At least then I could have lost him honorably, believing he had loved me enough to stay faithful to me. Just not this. Anything but this.
The day I walked out of my house with my daughter, I took my wedding ring off and left it on the counter. I had no intention of ever wearing it again.
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The next part of my story will continue in Part Three, but first we’ll be sharing Cameron’s perspective over the same time period as he shares an honest look at what led up to this devastation.
Click here to subscribe so you don’t miss tomorrow’s post from Cameron: Part Two: Life As A Sex Addict
Part Three – Grounds For Divorce
Part Two – My Life As A Sex Addict
Five Boundaries Necessary For Affair Recovery
Wow, K! What to say? First of all you are a very gifted writer just like your mom. You have brought me to tears as I read your story. I am so thankful for God’s redeeming love in your relationship. Your story has renewed my commitment to pray for you and Cameron. It is only be the grace of God that any of us can continue living a Christ-centered life. Thank God the devil did not and will not win this war. Love you and continue praying for you!
Auntie Lou! Your response of grace truly ministered to both of our hearts today. Thank you so so much. It’s so true, it is only by the grace of God that any of us can continue living a Christ-centered life. I just love that. We will always take your prayers!! I love you!
You may have had to leave your church family, and we understood. Yet we continued to love you, hurt for you, and pray for you, know that you were, and are, constantly lifted up to The Healer and Life Giver. I can’t imagine how painful sharing all of this must be! Thank you for your vulnerability.
Oh thank you for this, Lucinda! So many reached out with their kind words and prayers and encouragement. The prayers of many truly saved us! We are so grateful. Thank you for your kind encouragement!
You are bold, brave, and courages! What the enemy wants for evil, oh how God can make it good. You did not ask for this, but for whatever reason it passed through God’s fingers (no he did not cause this) but he allowed it to pass through His fingers, because He knew it would all be for His glory.
You did a great job of being respectful and tactful in your story. I can not wait to see what God has for the both of you.
Cameron, you are allowing your story to be redeemed by being honest and open, so that you to can be used for Gods glory in connecting with men that are struggling. There is a population out there that is imprisoned, because this is taboo to talk about in church! Break the chains brother! Go out and set fire to the stigmas and lies and start freeing your brothers that are ensnarled by the hold the enemy has on sexual sin!
Thank you, form someone that knows this story all to well. That has a heart to fight along side of you and to watch marriages be restored and the meaning of marriage be redeemed and restored across this land. Praying for you both!
GIRL!!!! You made me about want to jump on a table and start PREACHING after reading that! Wow. I shared it with him also and it brought tears to his eyes. Thank you for your encouragement and bold words of truth. We need them more than ever! I’m so grateful to know you and to get to do battle alongside you. Thank you thank you for pouring into me the way that you have in such a crucial season of life. God knew our paths needed to cross and I’m so grateful they did at the perfect time. Love you, girl!
With tears in my eyes as I finished reading., I immediately prayed for protection over my own marriage. I prayed for Satan to not let doubt and fear creep into my mind and fiercely for God to protect my marriage. I prayed for protection of the redemptive marriage you & Cameron have worked so hard to achieve and for continued growth and healing as you share your story. Thank you for being bold in your faith and for no longer hiding in fear and shame. ((HUGS))
Oh thank you friend! And goodness, yes we all need to be praying so fiercely for our marriages. And thank you for lifting ours up! This is heavy stuff and we appreciate it so much. Thank you for your encouragement of us and for cheering us on. Love you, friend!
WOW just WOW! The fact that you could be so vulnerable and share your darkest secrets is a witness! So many people struggle and can never open up to get healing. You truly LET GOD work through both of you and battled it hard. I don’t even know if I could have fought after the betrayal even though I have fought through many big hard things and continue to…just different. God is REAL and he can get us through anything if we truly TRUST him. I admire both of you for being so vulnerable and I pass no judgement as we all have our sin. You have fought hard so hold your head high for you obeyed God and kept your family together and learned to truly live out forgiveness as you have chosen to keep your family together… which I feel many would’ve ended. I will continue to pray for you and your family!
Thank you so much, Rachel!! This was so encouraging. God really is such a loving and redeeming God. And you’re so right…we all have our sin. I love your words, thank you so much for taking the time to encourage us!!
Karissa, I met you years ago at a UC women’s weekend retreat and for the few minutes that we spent together I was taken with you and your genuiness. I loved when you sang at UC and could see your Love of Jesus during worship. I have followed you on FB and feel like I know you, but I don’t “really” LOL I have cheered for you and Cameron as you struggled through infertility and I will cheer for you as you “come through” this struggle also. My husband and I do a lot of marriage mentoring for premarital couples and we believe so strongly in building, strong, God centered marriages. With that being said, we have seen God work miracles in so many marriages and we have seen couples come through so many hard times to have happy and healthy marriages. I am so impressed with your honesty and I can’t wait to see how GOD will use your hard times to help save marriages!!!! Know that I will be praying for you and Cameron and your family as you share these deep, dark secrets and relive some painful times. You are both awesome!!!
Jenni, yes I know who you are!! I remember those days way back when 😉 Thank you for such encouraging words. I LOVE that you work with couples to accomplish this! Mentorship like this is just SO NEEDED. We all need it. So I’m just always grateful to hear when anyone further along decides to pour into the people coming behind them. It’s just a beautiful and I have no doubt it is helping many. Thank you for such encouraging words! It’s meant so much to both of us.
Proud of you guys for sharing your story! Wow. What courage! I know these heavy trials that you are sharing so intimately about are going to ripple and change lives. Chains will break in Jesus’ name.
Chains will break in Jesus’ name…..whoa, gave me chills. YES!!! Thank you, sweet girl!
Your transparency is raw and we all feel your pain through your words…and you lived through this pain. God is our healer! I love the way you and Cameron will be sharing the same story but from a different perspective.
Both sides are so important to hear no matter what gender.
Thank you for opening your hearts to us and being obedient Children of God
Thank you so much!! And yes, I’m just so grateful he’s willing to put his shame aside and share everything he’s learned. It’s hard, but I agree, I think both perspectives are so necessary. Love that, thank you!
Oh how my heart breaks reading your story! I do not know you personally and i admit i haven’t heard about you till now. But your story strikes a chord deep inside my heart! 7 months ago my husband came to me, sobbing, and confessed He had cheated on me. I felt like you did; i would have bet my life on him not ever doing this. That makes the trauma so much worse:( God has already been working on my heart in the months before it happened.. i feel like He was preparing me for what was to come! God has completely changed my husband and i stand in awe of what He has been Doing in both our lives! Thank you so much for sharing your story! I pray Gods protection on your marriage!
Oh friend! I’m so sorry you know this pain. And it’s still somewhat recent, I’m so sorry. But wow, I’m so glad to hear of how the Lord is redeeming you both. It’s such a beautiful experience to get to stand on the sidelines and watch it happen so closely. Even though being that close makes it all the more painful too. I’m proud of all you’ve accomplished already! And I’d also say that we’ve learned this process isn’t linear. It’s not that it just keeps getting better and better. In some ways it does of course, but we’ve found it to just be so full of ups and downs. Sometimes I’ll get triggered so badly as if it just happened yesterday….even years later. It makes me feel like I haven’t made progress, but that just couldn’t be further from the truth. So give yourself grace, even when the bigger dips come! Thank you so much for sharing!
You don’t know me well but I attended your church and have for years. I sat there as the announcement about Cameron was made and I cried then as I cry now. You see my husband publicly left me. Initially he said it was simply bc he didn’t love me anymore. I found out from a co-worker that he was having an affair with another coworker at the place we all work together. I had no clue and was blindsided. I know the feelings of embarrassment and blaming ourselves. I’m looking forward to reading more of your journey and learning about your healing. By the way, you are an incredibly talented writer.